Put aside the idea that a valley is flat and smooth and easy to walk. In life, it can be easy to feel trapped in the valley.
In a valley, you can’t see even a hint of your destination. Surrounded by high mountain peaks, you just have to keep walking, keep moving and hope that you’re headed in the right direction.
Despite the difficulty in getting there, being on top of the mountain brings strength and surety. From the top of the mountain, the view extends for miles. The lay of the land is clear, and sometimes even the destination is within sight. A plan can be made to find a way to get there.
On the top of the mountain, there is clarity and optimism.
In the valley, there is insecurity and doubt.
In raising Toby, I find myself often in the valley, while occasionally reaching the summit and getting clear view of the future.
Sometimes I feel confident. I feel assured. I feel certain that he will successfully reach his full potential, and live a happy life that is meaningful to him.
Other times, I feel stuck. Dealing with an obstacle or problem, I have to keep my head down and power through, hoping that we can make it. We walk through the night while a voice in the back of my mind wonders if we really ever stood a chance.
Yet in the valley, there is one thing I can cling to when the worries and doubts cloud my mind and press heavy on my heart.
I know we can get there. I know it can be done. I saw it. So clear, so tangible, so attainable.
I saw it from the mountain.
Bright and hopeful in the distance, I saw it. The road, though littered with obstacles, is passable.
Note: A non-denominational version of this post was also published on FamilyShare.com
This past summer, my husband and I had the blessed opportunity to fly out to Utah for my sister’s wedding. Unfortunately, summertime isn’t our autistic son’s easiest time.
Keeping structure and a routine during a summer break is especially challenging, and Toby’s ability to function at his highest level depends heavily on those two things. The stress of the relaxed summer schedule (despite spending a good portion of the summer in school) had prompted Toby to “self-injure.” Basically, a dangerous combination of frustration and boredom ended in Toby pulling a still firmly-planted baby tooth clean out of his mouth. Right before my husband and I left for Utah.
Traveling is stressful. Leaving your children, no matter how much you trust those you leave them with, is stressful. Leaving your children when one of them has expressed extreme annoyance with life by ripping a tooth out of his mouth is stressful to the max.
I spent the majority of my time on the airplane praying for Toby and for my dear in-laws who were watching the kids for us while we were gone.
When we arrived in Utah, a whirlwind of the most beautiful chaos engulfed us as we helped my sister with her last minute to-dos. Though very jet-lagged and very worried about how many teeth Toby would have left when we got back, it was a special and wonderful time so full of love that I will never forget.
Walking into the Bountiful temple the morning of my sister’s sealing, I was intending to go upstairs with my mom and the lovely bride to help her get dressed and with any other final touches she might need.
As we turned a corner in the foyer, I stopped dead in my tracks. I barely heard the sweet temple worker gently tell me that only one person could go up to help my sister get dressed to avoid overcrowding the brides’ room. All I could see was the painting.
Hanging on the wall was a colossal painting of the Savior, in His role as the Good Shepherd. He was on a beautiful hillside surrounded by a large herd of white sheep. I have no doubt the Savior loves and knows each of those sheep, regardless of their walk in life. Yet, what struck me about this image was that, lovingly cradled in His arms, was a black lamb.
The different one. The lamb not quite like the rest. The lamb that might be a little odd, or need a little extra help with some things. Like my little black lamb.
My heart was flooded with the love and reassurance of the Savior. In that moment, I felt the Lord tell me He would always love and take care of my different little boy, whatever challenges he might face. I felt His promise that His loving arms would always be open to my little black lamb, no matter what.
I’ve thought a lot about this painting, and I’ve thought a lot about this day. Through the rest of our time in the temple I felt over and over again the reassurance that the Lord would always be there for my son, for my family and for me. Watching my sister get married to the love of her life was an even more powerful confirmation that He knows us and wants the best for us. My sister received that truth in the temple that day when she was married for time and eternity to a man that the Lord had saved specifically for her. And she for him, as well.
The black sheep is something almost everyone can relate to. The uncomfortable and sometimes even depressing feeling that we are “different” or that no one could truly understand us may happen at one time or another. I know I’ve felt that way many times in various stages of my life. Despite the fact that this blessed moment of clarity happened months ago, recently I’ve felt like I needed to testify of this:
The Savior always understands us, loves us and will be a constant presence for us if we let Him. No matter the struggle, no matter our differences, and no matter who we are or what path we’ve walked. He will be there, His loving heart and loving arms open to carry us safely home.
Thanks to heaven’s blessings and diligent, caring grandparents Toby didn’t mess with his teeth the whole time we were gone. I was so relieved when we got back. However, the very next week, Toby pulled another tooth. This time, I took a deep breath and reminded myself of what I learned in the beautiful Bountiful temple on my beautiful sister’s wedding day.
Though my little black lamb may have difficult paths to trod, he will always have the Good Shepherd to watch over him.